BEING JOHN MALKOVICH

A Screenplay by Charlie Kaufman

INT. CHEERLESS ROOM - DAY

The room is bare, dusty. A ceiling fan turns. The
wall clock ticks. Craig, 30 years old and small, sits at
a collapsible card table. The only item on the table is a
book. Craig picks it up, looks at the jacket. It's entitled
"Sit." Craig opens the book. It reads: "sit sit sit sit
sit..." over and over, page after page. Craig closes the
book. He begins to stand, but thinks better of it, sighs.
He looks at the book again. It is now entitled "Die." He
opens it up. "die die die die die..." A rooster crows.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Craig jolts awake. A rooster stands on Craig's chest,
crowing. Lotte, also 30, in the middle of dressing for
work, hurries in and pulls the bird from Craig's chest.

LOTTE
Sorry, hon. I didn't know Orrin
Hatch was out of his pen. Good
morning.

Lotte leans down and kisses Craig on the forehead.

CRAIG
Morning.

LOTTE
Gotta run. Shipment of grub worms
coming in first thing.

CRAIG
Enjoy.

LOTTE
Craig, listen, honey, I've been
thinking... maybe you'd feel better
if you got, you know, a job or
something.

CRAIG
We've been over this. Nobody's
looking for a puppeteer in today's
wintry economic climate.

LOTTE
Well, you know, maybe something else
until this whole puppet thing turns
around.

CRAIG
(bitterly)
The Great Mantini doesn't need a day
job.

LOTTE
(sighs)
Craig, everyone can't be Derek Mantini.
(beat)
Well, grub worms are waiting. Do me
a favor?

CRAIG
What?

LOTTE
Would you check in on Elijah? He seems
to be a little under the weather this
morning.

CRAIG
Which one is Elijah again?

LOTTE
The monkey.

CRAIG
Yeah. Okay.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE' S GARAGE - MORNING

The place is a mess. Vivaldi blasts through cheap speakers.
A small marionette stage stands in the back of the garage.
The stage is lit and on it is a finely sculpted puppet
version of Craig. The "Craig" puppet paces back and forth,
wringing its hands with incredible subtlety. We see Craig,
above and behind the stage. He is manipulating the puppet.
His fingers move fast and furious. The puppet breaks into
a dance, a beautiful and intricate balletic piece. Soon the
puppet is leaping and tumbling through space, moves that one
would think impossible for a marionette. Sweat appears on
the real Craig’s brow. His fingers move like lightning. The
puppet moves faster and faster. Sweat appears on the puppet's
brow. We see that the sweat is being piped from a special
device that the real Craig controls. The Craig puppet
collapses on the floor of the stage. It puts its hands up to
its face and weeps. Craig hangs the puppet, and comes down
around the front of the stage. He is heaving. He switches
off the music, picks up a beer and takes a swig.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

The room is filled with penned and unpenned animals of all
kinds: snakes, lizards, birds, a dog, cats, etc. Craig sits
on the couch and looks at the want ads, the TV is on in the
background. Elijah, the monkey, sits next to Craig holding
his stomach and moaning weakly. On the TV, Derek Mantini is
working a 60 foot high marionette from the top of a water tower.
The assembled crowd is enthralled.

TV ANNOUNCER
The crowd is enthralled as Derek
Mantini, arguably the greatest
puppeteer in the history of the
world, performs "The Belle of
Amherst" with his 60 foot Emily
Dickinson puppet, directed by the
inimitable Charles Nelson Reilly.

Charles Nelson Reilly floats by in a hot air balloon.

CHARLES NELSON REILLY
Beautiful, beautiful! Nyong-nyong.

CRAIG
Gimmicky bastard.

Craig switches off the TV. He comes across an ad for a
female puppeteer to teach at a girls school. Craig rubs
his chin in thought, then stands with great determination.

MUSIC IN: TRIUMPHANT

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Craig searches through Lotte's closet, looking for the
right dress.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BATHROOM - DAY

Craig waxes his body, shaves his face.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Craig paints his nails while he chats on the phone. Craig
pulls stockings and underwear from Lotte's drawer. Craig
picks a wig from a mannequin head on Lotte's dressing table.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Craig, at the sewing machine, is sewing padding to go onto
his chest and around his hips.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BATHROOM - DAY

Craig applies make up in the bathroom mirror.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Craig, now looking very much like a woman, admires himself
in the full length mirror.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

Craig hails a taxi in his get-up. Men on the street turn
and leer at him.

CUT TO:

INT. HEADMISTRESS’S OFFICE - DAY

Craig and the headmistress chat over tea. Craig is quite
animated and charming. The admiring headmistress smiles
and nods her head in approval.

CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Craig instructs a class of uniformed girls. He draws
complex diagrams of puppets on the blackboard. The
students are transfixed, except for one troubled girl who
eyes Craig sullenly from the back of the room as she plays
with a switchblade.

CUT TO:

INT. THEATER - DAY

Craig guides the hands of the troubled teenage girl, who
is trying to manipulate a marionette. The girl looks up
at Craig. Her tough facade crumbles and she smiles. Craig
smiles back.

CUT TO:

EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - DAY

The girls carry Craig on their shoulders. Everyone is joyous.

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

Craig leads the girls in a bike race. Everyone is laughing
and screaming. One of the girls notices that Craig is
riding a man's bike.

MUSIC OUT.

CUT TO:

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT

Craig sits in a holding cell with several other men. He is
still in the dress, but the wig is in his lap and the
make-up is smeared off. Lotte appears with a cop outside
Craig's cell. The door is opened, and Craig, Lotte, and
the cop head down the hall.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Lotte drives. Craig looks out the window. Both are silent.

LOTTE
(finally)
Is the trial date set?

CRAIG
May 11th.

More silence.

LOTTE
Why'd you do it, Craig?

CRAIG
I'm a puppeteer.

They drive in silence.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Craig sits on the couch in his bathrobe and studies the
want ads. He sees an ad for a company called "WOMYN-TEERS",
looking for "an African-American, Lesbian Separatist
Puppeteer for Community Outreach." Craig rubs his chin in
thought, stands with determination.

MUSIC IN: SAME AS BEFORE.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BATHROOM - MORNING

Craig applies a dark pancake make-up to his face.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Craig pulls an afro-style wig off a mannequin head on
Lotte's dressing table.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - MORNING

Craig, now made up to look like a black, lesbian
separatist, hails a cab. Women look at him longingly.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Craig, dressed as the black lesbian and beaten to a pulp.
sits in the passenger seat. Lotte drives.

LOTTE
(finally)
Why, Craig. why?

CRAIG
(through fat lip)
I... puppeteer.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Craig reads the paper. He comes across an ad: "Female
puppeteer wanted for nudist colony marionette staging of
'Oh, Calcutta!'" Craig rubs his chin.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Craig sits in the passenger seat. He is made up as a
woman and wears a full-body rubber "naked woman" suit.
Lotte drives.

LOTTE
(finally)
You know, maybe you should speak to
someone about this.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE' S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Craig sees a personal ad: "Male puppeteer looking for
attractive female puppeteer for friendship, travel, and
much much more." Craig rubs his chin, then thinks better
of it and sighs. He finds a want ad calling for a
"short-statured file clerk with unusually nimble and
dexterous fingers needed for speed filing." Craig writes
down the address.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - DAY

Craig. in sport coat and tie, studies the business listings
board. He finds LesterCorp, and sees that it is located on
floor 7 1/2. Craig presses the elevator button and waits.
Another man comes and waits next to him. The doors open,
and Craig and the other man get in.

CUT TO:

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS

The other man presses "9." Craig studies the buttons. There
is no "7 1/2."

WOMAN #1
Seven and a half, right?

CRAIG
Uh. yeah.

WOMAN #1
I'll take you through it.

The man picks up a crowbar leaning in the corner. He
watches the floor numbers light up in succession. After
"7" and before "8", the man hits the emergency stop button.
The elevator slams to a halt. The man pries open the doors
with the crowbar. Revealed is a standard office building
hallway, except that from floor to ceiling it is only about
four feet high. Everything is scaled down accordingly.
The number on the wall across from the elevator is 7 1/2.

WOMAN #1
Seven and a half.

CRAIG
Thank you.

Craig climbs out onto the 7 1/2 floor.

CUT TO:

INT. SEVEN AND A HALF FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

Craig, hunched-over, makes his way down the hallway
looking for LesterCorp. He passes a hunched-over man
walking in the other direction. They nod to each other.
Craig finds a door marked "LesterCorp - Meeting America's
Filing Needs Since 1922." He enters.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTERCORP RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS

All furniture is scaled down to fit into this low-ceilinged
space. A few other short men sit reading tiny magazines.
Craig approaches Floris, the receptionist.

FLORIS
Welcome to LesterCorp. May we meet
your filing needs?

CRAIG
No, uh, my name is Craig Schwartz.
I have an interview with Mr. Lester.

FLORIS
Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez...

CRAIG
Schwartz.

FLORIS
Pardon?

CRAIG
Schwartz.

FLORIS
I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have no idea
what you're saying right now.

CRAIG
My name is Schwartz.

FLORIS
Money, Miss Warts?

CRAIG
Forget it.

Craig takes a seat next to the other applicants.

FLORIS
(calling across the room)
Fork ah did?

The intercom buzzes. Floris picks it up.

FLORIS
(to Craig)
Mr. Juarez?

CRAIG
Yes?

FLORIS
Yex?

CRAIG
I said "yes."

FLORIS
You suggest what? I have no time for
piddling suggestions from mumbling job
applicants, my good man. Besides, Dr.
Lester will see you now. I think
that's what he said.

Craig stands, opens Lester's door, and enters.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Craig enters. Lester, a giant of an old man, sits hunched
behind his tiny desk.

LESTER
Come in, Mr. Juarez. I'd stand, but,
well, you know.

CRAIG
(extending his hand)
Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz,
Dr. Lester.

Lester flips an intercom switch.

LESTER
Security.

CRAIG
No, it's okay, sir. Just a mixup with
your secretary.

LESTER
She's not my secretary. She's what
they call an executive liaison, and
I'm not banging her, if that's what
you’re implying.

CRAIG
Not at all, Dr. Lester. I simply
misspoke.

LESTER
Tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you
feel you can bring to LesterCorp?

CRAIG
Well, sir, I'm an excellent filer.

LESTER
(crafty)
You think so, eh? Which comes first,
L or... Glooph?

CRAIG
Glooph is not a letter, sir.

LESTER
Damn, you are good. I tried to trick
you. Okay, put these in order.

Lester hands Craig a bunch of index cards. Craig orders
them with amazing speed and dexterity. Lester watches,
eyes wide.

LESTER (CONT'D)
(flips intercom switch)
Floris, get Guinness on the phone.

FLORIS (O.S.)
Gehginnis ondah foam?

LESTER
Forget it.

FLORIS (CONT'D)
Fork ah did?

LESTER
(flips off switch)
Fine woman, Floris. I don't know how
she puts up with this damn speech
impediment of mine.

CRAIG
You don't have a speech impediment,
Dr. Lester.

LESTER
Flattery will get you everywhere,
my boy. But I'm afraid I have to
trust Floris on this one. You see,
she has her doctorate in speech
impedimentology from Case Western.
Perhaps you've read her memoirs,
"I can't understand a word any of
you are saying."

CRAIG
No.

LESTER
Pity, it tells it like it is.
That's why the eastern, read Jewish,
publishing establishment won't touch
it. That's a quote from the book
jacket. George Will, I think.
(beat)
I apologize if you can't understan
a word I'm saying, Dr. Schwartz.

CRAIG
No. I understand perfectly.

LESTER
(choking up)
Thank you for being kind enough to
lie. You see, I've been very lonely
in my isolated tower of
indecipherable speech. You're hired.
Any questions?

CRAIG
Just one. Why is this floor so short?

LESTER
Low overhead, m'boy. We pass the
savings on to you.
(laughs heartily)
But seriously, that's all covered in
orientation.

CUT TO:

INT. ORIENTATION ROOM - DAY

It's a small screening room with red velvet seats. There
are a few people scattered about the squat theater. Craig
is among them. He looks around the room and his eyes rest
momentarily on Maxine. She is in her late 20's with close
cropped black hair. Her eyes are opaque, her face
expressionless, her countenance trance-like. She glances
over at Craig, then turns back to the screen. The lights
dim. A projector whirs and the screen is illuminated.

CUT TO:

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

We tilt up the building.

MUSIC: Perky Industrial Film Music.

TITLE: The 7 1/2 Floor

NARRATOR (0.S.)
Welcome to the 7 1/2 floor of the
Mertin-Flemmer building. As you
will now be spending your work day
here, it is important that you learn
a bit about the history of this
famous floor.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - DAY

Don and Wendy, two office workers, crouch in the hall and
chat. Both hold cups of coffee.

WENDY
Hello, Don.

DON
Hello. Wendy.

WENDY
Don, I was wondering, do you know
why our workplace has such low
ceilings?

DON
It's an interesting story, Wendy.
Many years ago in the late 1800's,
James Mertin, an Irish ship captain
looking to invest in the future of
our great country, came to this town
and decided to erect an office
building.

CUT TO:

OLD FOOTAGE OF CONSTRUCTION CREW WORKING.

DON (CONT'D) (V.0.)
He would call this building the
Mertin-Flemmer Building, after
himself and someone else, who, local
legend has it, was named Flemmer.

CUT TO:

INT. 19TH CENTURY OFFICE - DAY

An actor playing Mertin sits at a desk and writes with
aquill. He appears very stern and has mutton chop
sideburns.

DON (CONT'D) (V.0.)
One day. Captain Mertin received an
unexpected visitor.

There is a knock at the door.

MERTIN
Enter ye, if ye dare enter.

A tiny woman enters.

TINY WOMAN
Captain Mertin?

MERTIN
What want ye, girl child?

TINY WOMAN
I am not a child, Captain Mertin,
but rather an adult lady of miniature
proportions.

MERTIN
(taken aback)
I see. Well, it is not my fault that
thou art tiny. So if it is charity
yer after, then be gone with ye,
ye foul demon.

TINY WOMAN
I am not asking for alms, but rather
the ear of a kind man with a noble
heart.

MERTIN
(sighs)
Aye. Speak then if ye must.

TINY WOMAN
Captain Mertin, surely I am a
God-fearing Christian woman like
yourself, but alas, I am afraid that
the world was not built with me in
mind. Door knobs are too high, chairs
are unwieldy, high-ceilinged rooms
mock my stature. Nor am I a marrie
lady, Captain. after all, who would
marry a person of my diminutiveness?
So I am forced to work for my few
pennies a week as an optometrist.
Why cannot there be a place for me
to work safe and comfortable?

Mertin wipes a tear from his eye.

MERTIN
Woman, your story moves me like n
other. Me own sister was tiny and
then died. Therefore, I shall make
ye me wife. And I shall build a
floor in my building, between the
7th and 8th, which will be scaled
down, so from now on there shall
be at least one place on God's green
Earth that you and your accursed
kind can live in peace...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - DAY

Don And Wendy crouch and talk.

DON
So that's the story of 7 1/2. Since
the rents are considerably lower
this floor has been adopted by
businesses which for one reason
or another are forced to cut corners
After all... the overhead is low!
Ha ha ha!

WENDY
Ha ha ha!

TITLE: The End

CUT TO:

INT. ORIENTATION ROOM - DAY

The screen goes dark. The lights go up. Craig looks over
at Maxine. She stands and walks past him.

CRAIG
Moving story.

MAXINE
Yes. Unfortunately it's bullshit.
The real story of 7 1/2 is so evil
that it could never be revealed
to Americans raised on sitcoms and
happy news anchors.

CRAIG
Is that true?

MAXINE
Well, truth is for suckers, isn't
it?.

CRAIG
Listen. I'm Craig Schwartz, just
starting out at LesterCorp.

MAXINE
How dreary - to be - Somebody /
How public - like a Frog /
To tell one's name - the livelong June /
To an admiring Bog!

CRAIG
(proudly)
Emily Dickinson.

MAXINE
I wouldn't know.

Maxine walks away.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE' S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Lotte chops onions. A parrot sits on her head. Craig stirs
a pot on the stove. A monkey leaps from the top of the
cabinet to the top of the refrigerator to the kitchen table.
A dog watches the monkey and barks at it.

PARROT
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

CRAIG
Shut up!

LOTTE
(to Craig)
Sorry, honey.

The dog continues to bark.

PARROT
Sorry honey. Sorry honey.

An offscreen neighbor pounds the wall.

NEIGHBOR (0.S.)
Shut up!

LOTTE
(yelling)
Sorry!

Lotte grabs the parrot off her head and leaves the room.

PARROT (0.S.)
Help! She's locking me in a cage!

Lotte reenters.

LOTTE
Isn't that cute? I just taught her
that.

CRAIG
Adorable. What time are they supposed
to be here?

LOTTE
Seven-ish

CRAIG
We have to make it an early night.

LOTTE
They'll understand. Besides I've got
a morning appointment tomorrow with
Elijah's shrink. We're getting to the
bottom of this acid stomach.

CRAIG
(not paying attention)
Hmmm.

LOTTE
Some sort of childhood trauma, she
thinks. Possible feelings of
inadequacy as a chimp. Interesting,
huh?

CRAIG
Hmmm.

The doorbell rings. The dog barks. The parrot screams.
The neighbor pounds on the wall.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The dining room table is set up. Craig and Lotte and their
friends Peter and Gloria are seated and eating dinner. There
is an obvious lull in the conversation.

PETER
Good food, Lotte.

LOTTE
Thanks. Craig helped, too, by the
way.

PETER
Vegetarian, right?

LOTTE
Yes. All vegetable. all the time.

PETER
Amazing.

There is another lull. Everyone eats.

PETER (CONT'D)
No kidding about that 7 1/2 floor.
Craig?

CRAIG
No kidding, Peter.

GLORIA
That's great. It almost sounds like
make-believe.
(beat)
Like a storybook.
(beat)
like a fairy tale.
(beat)
It's really great.
(beat)
So Lotte, when you say all vegetable,
do you mean all vegetable entire1y?

CUT TO:

INT. PETER AND GLORIA'S CAR - NIGHT

Gloria and Peter drive in silence.

GLORIA
Lotte told me that Eskimos have a
lot of words for snow.

PETER
How many?

GLORIA
Ten, I think.

PETER
I wonder why so many.

GLORIA
Because they have a lot of snow.
Isn't that interesting?

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Craig washes the dishes. Lotte dries them. They don’t
look at each other.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTERCORP FILE ROOM - MORNING

Craig in a cream colored suit, pours over the file cabinets.
Floris watches from the doorway.

FLORIS
You're good.

Craig turns.

CRAIG
(over-enunciating)
Thank you, Floris.

Floris shrugs, shakes her head.

FLORIS
You're not like the other boys
we've had here. Granted, I can't
understand what you're saying either,
but your soft palette resonates
tremendously well and you never
ever constrict your epiglottis.

CRAIG
I am a trained performer.

FLORIS
(swooning)
Music to my ears! Whatever you said.
Speak, speak, speak, my magnificent
friend, speak!

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - DAY

Craig pours himself a cup of coffee. Maxine approaches
with an empty cup.

CRAIG
Hello again.

Craig fills her cup.

MAXINE
Yes, well...

CRAIG
You know, I've been thinking about
what you said yesterday, about the
orientation film being a cover-up.
I think you're on to something.

MAXINE
And fifty other lines to get into
a girl's pants.

CRAIG
No, really.

MAXINE
You know, if you ever got me, you
wouldn't have a clue what to do
with me. That's the thing, Romeo.

Maxine walks away.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT

Craig is at his workbench, painting the finishing touches
on a new puppet. It is beautiful. It is Maxine. Lotte
watches quietly from the door. A Lotte puppet hangs
from a hook, tangled and dusty.

LOTTE
New puppet?

Craig is surprised, caught.

CRAIG
Yeah, just an idea I had.

LOTTE
She's very beautiful.

CRAIG
(shrugging)
Just an idea I had.

Craig hangs the puppet, stands, and switches off the light.

CRAIG (CONT'D)
C'mon, let's go to bed.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The room is dark. Lotte snores lightly. Craig lies there
with his eyes open. Quietly, he gets up and leaves the
bedroom. Lotte watches him go.

CUT TO:

INT. GARAGE - NIGHT

Craig stands above the puppet stage. He is working both the
Craig puppet and the Maxine puppet at the same time. The
two perform a beautiful and graceful pas de deux. They
finish in a passionate embrace.

CRAIG
(quietly)
I would too know what to do with you.

CUT TO:

INT. FILE ROOM - MORNING

Craig files. Floris watches him from the doorway. Dr.
Lester watches Floris from behind a cabinet.

FLORIS
Oh, what magic those fingers could
work on the right “cabinet.”
(strokes Craig's neck)
Alphabetize me, baby. And don't
forget, I comes before U.

Floris laughs long and hard. Too long and too hard.

CRAIG
Floris, you're very nice, but I'm
afraid I’m in love with somebody
else.

FLORIS
(upset)
I'm afraid I... have no idea what
you are saying... you bastard!

Floris runs from the room. Lester pokes his head out from
behind the cabinet.

LESTER
Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.
Why, if I were eighty years younger,
I'd box your ears.

CRAIG
I wasn't toying with her, sir. I
was just... How old are you?

LESTER
One hundred and five. Carrot juice.
(beat)
Lot's of it. I swear, it's almost
not worth it. I piss orange. Oh,
and I, have to piss sitting down...
like a godamn girly... every fifteen
minutes. But nobody wants to die,
Schwartz.

CRAIG
I'll keep that in mind, sir.

LESTER
No sir-e-bob, I don't die. But what
I do is get older, wrinkled like a
former plum that's become the
wrinkled prune you see before you.
Oh, to be a young man again, maybe
then Floris would care for me.

CRAIG
The elderly have so much to offer,
sir. They are our link with history.

LESTER
I don't want to be your godamn link,
damn you. I want to feel Floris'
naked thighs against my own. I want
to know passion. I want my body to
inspire lust in that beautiful,
complex woman. I want her to shiver
in a spasm of ecstasy when I
penetrate her. Oh, God, the agony
of the flesh, Schwartz.

CRAIG
Dr. Lester, while I am flattered that
you share your feelings with me, I
believe perhaps the workplace is not
the most suitable environment for
this type of discussion.

LESTER
All right. Meet me at the Juicy-Juice
Juice Bar after work today and I'll
spill my goddamn guts for you.

Lester exits.

CRAIG
Shit.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - DAY

Craig squats next to a payphone.

CRAIG
(into phone)
I won't be late. I just have to
listen to Lester's sexual fantasies
and drink carrot juice for a little
while. It's a job thing.

Maxine walks by. Craig grabs her arm, signals for her
to wait a minute. She waits.

CRAIG (CONT'D)
(into phone)
I gotta go back to work. Yeah,
okay. You too. Okay. Bye.

Craig hangs up.

MAXINE
What?

CRAIG
I just wanted to say “hi.” Did
you know I still don't know your
name or where you work?

MAXINE
Yeah.

CRAIG
How about this, if I can guess your
first name within three tries, you
have to come out for a drink with me
tonight.

MAXINE
Why not?

CRAIG
Great.
(watches her face as he guesses)
Buuuhhppaahhhhnnn. . . . .
Muhhhahhhhh. . . . . ahhhnnnaaa. .
nollltuuukkkaaaaralllll. . .
tashabararassssssuuuuusaaaaaaa. . .
nnnnnnnaaaaaannnnnnnnncccccceeeeeee
Mwaaaaaa. . . . .Mahhhhhkkkkk. . .
sssseeeeeen. Maxine?

MAXINE
Who told you?

CRAIG
I'm right?

MAXINE
Who told you?

CRAIG
That's incredible! Nobody told me!
I swear! It's kismet. Maxine!
It's a beautiful name. There's a
psychic connection. Don't you see?
It was meant to be! Maxine! Maxine!
Maxine! I will shout it from the
rooftops!

MAXINE
Somebody told you.

CRAIG
Oh, Maxine, nobody told me. Maxine,
Maxine. It just came out of me like
a song, Maxine. A beautiful crazy,
song, Maxine. Maxine. Maxine!

MAXINE
I am dubious, but I don't welsh.
Meet me at The Stuck Pig. Seven
o'clock. You're late, I walk. So
help me, if I find out you cheated.

CRAIG
(in heaven)
Maxine.

Craig walks down the hall. A tiny smile flits across
Maxine's face.

CUT TO:

INT. JUICY JUICE BAR - EVENING

Lester and Craig sit at a table. There are several emptied
glasses of carrot juice in front of Lester. Craig nurses
one glass, and keeps checking his watch.

LESTER
Imagine a room full of women.
Nubile, blonde, wet with desire,
Schwartz. A harem, if you will.
Me in leather. A harness, if you
like. I am the object of this
desire, and all eyes are on me as
I speak. “Ladies,” I begin. “I am
the love god, Eros. I intoxicate
you. My spunk is to you manna from
heaven...

CRAIG
(standing)
Dr. Lester, it's been really
fascinating, but I'm afraid I have
to get home to my wife now.

LESTER
Wife, huh? I'd love to meet her,
Craig.

CRAIG
Yessir.

LESTER
Shall we say dinner on Friday.
Just the two of us?
(afterthought)
You can come too if you like,
Schwartz.

CRAIG
(checking watch)
That's sounds fine, sir. Gotta
run.

Craig hurries to the door. Lester downs Craig's juice,
signals the waiter for more.

CUT TO:

INT. THE STUCK PIG - NIGHT

Maxine sits at the bar, watching her watch. Craig rushes
into the room, frantic, out of breath. He spots Maxine and
plops himself next to her.

CRAIG
Made it. Maxine. Maxine, Maxine,
Maxine.

MAXINE
Just.

CRAIG
Buy you a drink, Maxine?

MAXINE
You married?

CRAIG
Yeah. But enough about me.

Maxine laughs. The bartender approaches.

CRAIG (CONT'D)
What'll you have?

MAXINE
(to bartender)
The usual, Barry.

CRAIG
(to bartender)
I'll have, like, a beer. Like a
Budweiser, or something.

The bartender walks away.

CRAIG (CONT'D)
I like you. I don't know what it
is exactly.

MAXINE
My tits?

CRAIG
No, no, it's your energy or your
attitude or the way you carry
yourself or...

MAXINE
Christ, you're not a fag are you?
Because I don't want to be wasting
my time.

The drinks arrive. Maxine's is in an enormous fishbowl of
a glass. It's bright blue, with fruit and marshmallows
swimming in it. Paper umbrellas stick out of it, an
plastic monkeys hang from the rim.

CRAIG
That's the usual?

MAXINE
Don’t let the girly shit fool you.
It'd blow your shorts off.

Maxine downs it like a shot of whiskey. She pushes the
empty glass to the bartender.

MAXINE (CONT'D)
Set me up again, Barry.

The bartender walks away with the empty glass.

CRAIG
I’m not a homosexual. I just like
women for more than their bodies.
I guess you could say I'm the new
American male.

MAXINE
You're a fag or a liar.

CRAIG
(backpedaling)
I mean, I am really attracted to
you.

MAXINE
(mocking)
I mean, I am really attracted to
you. Jesus, you are a fag. We can
share recipes, if you like, Darlene.

Maxine gets up.

CRAIG
(at a loss)
No, wait! I like your tits.
(beat)
I love your tits. I want to fuck
you.

MAXINE
(sitting)
Good. Now we're getting somewhere.
(beat)
Not a chance.

Maxine's second drink comes. She downs it, pushes the
glass toward the bartender.

MAXINE (CONT’D)
So, tell me about yourself. If you
can get your mind out of the gutter
long enough, dog-boy.

CRAIG
Well, I'm a puppeteer...

The bartender comes back with Maxine's drink.

MAXINE
(to bartender)
Check.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Lotte is combing Elijah. Craig enters.

CRAIG
Hi.

LOTTE
Hi.

CRAIG
(nervous, talking too much)
Sorry, I'm so late. Lester just
wouldn't let me go. We’re supposed
to have dinner with him on Friday.
I can get us out of it if you want.
He's really amazing, this insane old
lech. It's actually sort of amusing
when you get past just how disgusting
it is.

There is a silence. Lotte continues to comb out Elijah.
Finally:

LOTTE
Did you eat?

CRAIG
Nah. I'm not hungry. I'm sorry I
didn't call. It was just, you know,
hard to get away.

LOTTE
I was worried.

CRAIG
I'm sorry. How was your evening?

LOTTE
Tom-Tom's puncture wound is
infected.

CRAIG
The ferret?

LOTTE
The iguana.

CRAIG
Right.

LOTTE
I dressed the wound. Then I've
just been feeding everyone, putting
everyone to bed.

CRAIG
Yeah. You want a beer?

LOTTE
No thanks. I'm going to turn in.

CRAIG
All right. I'll be in my workshop
for a little while. I'll be in in
a little while. I need to unwind a
little.
(beat)
I'll be in soon. A little while.

LOTTE
'kay.

Lotte exits.

CUT TO:

INT. GARAGE - NIGHT

Craig works the Craig and Maxine puppets. The puppets
sit on the edge of the small stage and chat. Craig does a
pretty fair impersonation of Maxine's voice.

CRAIG
(as Maxine, fascinated)
Tell me, Craig, why do you love
puppeteering?
(as Craig)
Well, Maxine, I'm not sure exactly.
Perhaps it's the idea of becoming
someone else for a little while.
Being inside another skin. Moving
differently, thinking differently,
feeling differently.
(as Maxine)
Interesting. Would you like to be
inside my skin, Craig? Think what I
think? Feel what I feel?
(as Craig)
More than anything. Maxine.
(as Maxine)
It's good in here, Craig. Better
than your wildest dreams.

The puppets kiss.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - DAY

Craig waits at the coffee machine. Checks his watch.
Finally Maxine approaches.

CRAIG
Hi.

MAXINE
You're not someone I could get
interested in. Craig. You play
with dolls.

CRAIG
(rehearsed)
Puppets. Maxine. It's the idea
of being inside someone else,
feeling what they feel, seeing
what they see...

MAXINE
Yikes.

CRAIG
Please, let me explain.

Craig grabs Maxine's hand and drags her into an empty
office.

CUT TO:

INT. EMPTY OFFICE - DAY

Craig pulls Maxine in closes the door.

CRAIG
It's just, and I've never done
this before, Maxine, but it's just
that I feel something for you. I've
never felt this before for anyone,
not even my wife. My future is with
you, Maxine.

MAXINE
You might want to check those tarot
cards one more time.

Maxine heads for the door. Craig sits on a box. He puts
his head in his hands and sighs. Across the room he
notices a very small door with a two by four nailed across
it.

CRAIG
Another evil secret of the 7 1/2
floor.

Craig pries the two-by-four off and opens the door. It's a
dark and wet membranous tunnel inside.

CRAIG
Holy shit. Maxine is gonna love
this.

Craig lets go of the door and it slams shut.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - DAY

Lester sits at his desk studying an instruction manual for a
juicer. The spanking new juicer sits on his desk. There is an
urgent knocking at the door.

LESTER
Yes?

Craig rushes in.

CRAIG
Dr. Lester. . .

LESTER
Ah, Craig. Just the fellow I wanted
to see.
(proudly spreading his arms)
Juicer! Easy as pie. Just keep your
fingers clear of the blade, and
never, never use it while bathing in
a tub full of water.

CRAIG
Dr. Lester, I have a question. I was
in that vacant office down the hall
and I stumbled upon a little door
and....

LESTER
Ah. yes, the little door.
(checks watch)
There is a short film on the little
door in the orientation room in
exactly two minutes. If you hurry,
you'll just make it.

CRAIG
Thank you, sir.

Craig exits. Lester waits a moment. then dials the phone.

LESTER
Put up reel 752.

CUT TO:

INT. ORIENTATION ROOM - DAY

Craig sits in the otherwise empty screening room. The
lights dim, the film begins.

TITLE: THE LITTLE DOOR IN THE VACANT OFFICE

CUT TO:

INT. VACANT OFFICE - DAY

Wendy crouches in the vacant office and studies the closed
little door. Don enters. smiling.

DON
Hi. Wendy! What're you up to in
this vacant office.

WENDY
Well, Don, I peeked in here, even
though I know it's against floor
policy. and I discovered that
there's a little tiny door in here.
Isn't it cute? It's almost like a
little dolly's door. I wonder what
it’s for.

DON
(laughing)
That's right, Wendy, it is against
floor policy, but as long as you're
here, let me tell you what I know
about our cute little door friend.
Many years ago, this very office
was occupied by a kindly old
watchmaker named Mr. White.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. WATCHMAKER'S WORKSHOP - DAY

An old man toils away in the dusty office.

WHITE
Hmmm. I must have a small store
room to store my merchandise when
I am through working on it. I know,
I will build a tiny store room.
How cute!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. VACANT OFFICE - DAY

WENDY
Wow! That's some story, Don.

DON
Truth is stranger than fiction,
Wendy!

They laugh.

TITLE: THE END

CUT TO:

INT. ORIENTATION ROOM - DAY

The lights go up. Craig sits there for a moment. An usher
pushes a broom down the aisle.

CRAIG
Bullshit.

Craig exits. The usher mumbles something into a
walkie-talkie.

CUT TO:

INT. VACANT ROOM - DAY

Craig opens the little door and climbs into the
membranous hallway. The door slams shut behind him.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - MORNING

It's dark and wet. The walls are soft and membranous.
There is a dripping sound. Craig crawls along. Soon
something starts to pull Craig as if he is being sucked
through a straw. There is a flash of light.

CUT TO:

INT. FANCY DINING ROOM - MORNING

The POV of someone reading a newspaper. The person lifts
a cup of coffee to his mouth. There is a slurping sound.
The person puts down the coffee cup and the newspaper, and
stands up.

CRAIG (CONT'D) (V.0.)
(losing his balance)
Whoa! What the hell? Where am I?

We're still in POV. The person walks across the room, picks
up his wallet from a coffee table. looks in a mirror and
checks his teeth for food. It's John Malkovich.

CRAIG (CONT'D) (V.0.)
Holy shit! It's that actor guy.
Shit! What's his name? That actor
guy! What's happening? Am I
inside him? Am I in his brain?
Am I him? Is he me? Does he know
I'm here? My brain is reeling!
Is his brain reeling?

Malkovich walks to the front door, opens it, exits his
apartment.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Maxine sits at her desk, eats a sandwich. looks at a
fashion magazine, and chats on the phone.

MAXINE
The puppeteer told me he loves me
today.
(laughs)
I know. I can't think of anything
more pathetic.

CUT TO:

INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS

John Malkovich's POV from the back seat of the cab. The
cab pulls away from the curb.

MALKOVICH (V.0.)
(resonant throughout)
The Broadhurst Theater, please.

The cabbie studies Malkovich in his rearview mirror as he
drives.

CABBIE
Say, aren't you that actor guy?

MALKOVICH
Yeah.

CABBIE
John Makel...

CRAIG (V.0.)
John Malkovich! Of course!

CABBIE
Mapplethorpe?

MALKOVICH (V.0.)
Malkovich.

CABBIE
Malkovich!

CRAIG (V.0.)
John fucking Malkovich!

CABBIE
Yeah. I liked you in that one movie.

MALKOVICH (V.0.)
Thank you.

CABBIE
The one where you're that jewel
thief.

MALKOVICH
I never played a jewel thief.

CABBIE
Who am I thinking of?

MALKOVICH
I don't know.

CABBIE
I'm pretty sure it was you. Hey,
could I get your autograph now?
It's for .... oh, what the hell,
it's for me! I'm your biggest
fan!

MALKOVICH
Yeah, okay.

The cabbie hands a pad back over the seat. Malkovich
reaches for it. There is a slurping sound.

CRAIG (V.0.)
(panicky)
Ahhhh!

The image starts to fade, then suddenly goes black.

CUT TO:

EXT. DITCH - DAY

It’s on the side of Jersey Turnpike. There is a “pop” and
Craig falls from nowhere into the ditch. He is soaking wet,
and now dirty from the ditch. He stands, looks confusedly
around, sees a N.J. Turnpike sign. After a moment, he goes
to the side of the road and sticks out his thumb.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S OFFICE - LATER

Maxine sits behind her desk with her feet up, and talks on
the phone.

MAXINE
Absolutely, doll. I'm just about
to close up here.

Craig walks in disheveled and exhausted. Maxine sees him,
keeps talking.

MAXINE (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Meet you at “The Pig” in twenty
minutes.
(laughs lasciviously)
Oh yeah, maybe I'll keep my legs
closed till then.
(hangs up. to Craig)
I'm splitting for the day. Lock up
for me, won't you, darling.

Maxine stands, puts some stuff in her purse.

CRAIG
Don't you want to know what happened
to me?

MAXINE
(considers)
No.

Maxine heads for the door. Craig grabs her arm.

CRAIG
This is important!

MAXINE
(looking at his hand on her arm)
It better be.

Craig sits Maxine down in a chair, lets go of her arm.

CRAIG
There's a tiny door in that empty
office. It's a portal, Maxine. It
takes you inside John Malkovich.
You see the world through John
Malkovich's eyes, then, after about
fifteen minutes, you're spit out into
a ditch on the side of The New Jersey
Turnpike.

MAXINE
Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is
John Malkovich?

CRAIG
He's an actor. One of the great
American actors of the 20th century.

MAXINE
What's he been in?

CRAIG
Lots of things. He's very well
respected. That jewel thief movie,
for example. The point is that this
is a very odd thing, supernatural,
for lack of a better word. It raises
all sorts of philosophical questions
about the nature of self, about the
existence of the soul. Am I me? Is
Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha
right, is duality an illusion? Do
you see what a can of worms this
portal is? I don't think I can go
on living my life as I have lived
it. There's only one thing to do.
Let's get married right away.

MAXINE
Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?

CRAIG
Yes, of course. He's a celebrity.

MAXINE
Good. We'll sell tickets.

CRAIG
Tickets to Malkovich?

MAXINE
Exactly. Two hundred dollars a pop.

CRAIG
But there's something profound here,
Maxine, we can't exploit it.

MAXINE
Fine. I'll do it myself. I was going
to offer a partnership to you, but
this way it's more money for me.

CRAIG
You wanted to be partners with me?

MAXINE
(bored)
Sure. It'd be fun.

CRAIG
(pleased)
Really?
(then:)
But, Maxine, can of worms! End of
the world! Illusory nature of
existence!

MAXINE
I'll protect you, Dollface.

Maxine reaches over and squeezes his lips affectionately
between her thumb and forefinger.

CRAIG
(in love)
Oh. Maxine.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Craig and Lotte are getting into evening clothes.

LOTTE
Don't be ridiculous. There is no such
thing as a portal into someone else's
brain.

CRAIG
Brain. soul, I'm telling you, Lotte.
I was right inside him looking out.
We're going to be rich.

LOTTE
I want to try.

CRAIG
What?

LOTTE
I want to be John Malkovich. Tomorrow
morning. Plus I'd like to meet this
partner of yours.

CRAIG
(nervously)
Well, you know we're going to be
very busy tomorrow. I'll tell you
what. Let's do it tonight. Right
now.

LOTTE
Now?

CRAIG
Yeah. We'll do it right now. On
the way to Lester's house.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Craig holds open the small door as Lotte climbs in.

CRAIG
I'll meet you on the turnpike.

LOTTE
I'm scared.

The door slams shut.

CRAIG
Me too, babe.

Craig hurries out the door.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Malkovich is in the shower. We watch from his POV as
he soaps himself. He does this in a sensual manner.

LOTTE (V.0.)
Holy cow!

Malkovich steps out of the shower, slowly towels himself
dry.

LOTTE (V.0.)
Oh, yes. Yes.

CUT TO:

EXT. DITCH - NIGHT

Lotte lands in the ditch. She is wet and ragged. Traffic
whizzes by. Craig turns on the headlights in his parked
car. They shine on Lotte. Craig steps out of the car.

LOTTE
I have to go back.

CRAIG
Okay. Maybe tomorrow.

LOTTE
I have to go back now.

CRAIG
We'll talk about it in the car.

Craig helps Lotte up and toward the car.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT

Craig drives. Lotte looks distractedly out the window.

LOTTE
I have to go back, Craig. Being
inside did something to me. All of a
sudden everything made sense. I knew
who I was.

CRAIG
You weren't you. You were John
Malkovich.

LOTTE
(tickled)
I was, wasn't I?
(yelling out the window)
I was John fucking Malkovich!
(laughs, then intensely)
Take me back, Craig.

CRAIG
Tomorrow. We're late for Lester.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

It's a posh place with flocked wallpaper and candelabras.
Lester, Craig, and Lotte sit around an elegantly appointed
table with all different sorts of juices in front of them.
Lotte is still wet. Lester sits quite close to her.

LESTER
Tell me, Lotte, can you understand
a word I'm saying?

LOTTE
Yes, of course, Dr. Lester.

LESTER
Oh, be still my heart.

LOTTE
Dr. Lester, would you point me
toward the restroom?

LESTER
With immense pleasure, my dear. Down
that hall, ninth door on the left.
Watch the step down. It's sunken,
you know.

Lotte smiles, and heads down the hall.

CRAIG
Dr. Lester...

LESTER
More beet-spinach juice, my friend?

CRAIG
No thank you sir. It's delicious,
though. I just wanted to thank you
for the opportunity to work at
LesterCorp, but I'm afraid I'm
going to have to tender my resignation
effectively immediately.

LESTER
I see. Are you unhappy at our little
company?

CRAIG
No sir, not at all. It's just that
I'm going to open my own business
and...

LESTER
And what sort of business will this
be? If you don't mind my asking.

CRAIG
Uh, import-export. Olive oil. Right
on 7 1/2 actually.
(beat)
In the vacant office. So we'll still
be seeing each other.

LESTER
The vacant office. I see. Olive oil.
Interesting. Be warned, Schwartz,
there are certain “doors” which
should never be opened.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S HALLWAY - NIGHT

Lotte walks down the ritzy hallway. She is counting closed
doors in search of the bathroom. She opens a door, looks
inside, gasps, then enters the room.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER' S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Lotte enters the room. It is dark. At the far end there
is what amounts to a candle-lit shrine to John Malkovich.
The centerpiece of the shrine is an enormous photograph
of Malkovich bordered by a garland of flowers. Lotte stares
at it for a moment, then drops to her knees in front of it.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE' S BATHROOM - NIGHT

Lotte has just taken a shower. She towels herself dry in
much the same way as Malkovich. Her eyes are closed. She
opens them slowly and sees herself in the mirror.
Disappointedly, she drops the towel and heads out of the
bathroom.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT

Craig sits at his work table. He is pulling the heads off
of the Craig and the Maxine puppets. He puts the Maxine
head on the Craig puppet. He sighs.

CRAIG
My kingdom for your portal, Maxine.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING

Maxine sits at her desk composing an ad. Craig stands
behind her, ostensibly looking over her shoulder, but
actually studying the back of her head. He sighs.

MAXINE
Okay. Here it is.
(reading)
Ever want to be someone else? Now you
can. No kidding. Only two hundred
dollars for fifteen minutes. Visit
J.M. Inc., Mertin-Flemmer Building.
etc., etc.

CRAIG
Sounds good. Oblique but intriguing.
Phone it in.

Maxine dials the phone. Lotte enters.

CRAIG
Lotte! Why aren't you at the pet
shop?

LOTTE
Fuck pets. Is this your partner?
I had to come back and do the
Malkovich ride again. Fuck everything
else. Is this her?

MAXINE
(into phone)
Yes, hello, I wanted to place an ad.
(to Lotte)
Hi, are you Craig's wife?

LOTTE
Yes, Hi.

CRAIG
Lotte, Maxine. Maxine, Lotte.

Lotte and Maxine shake hands.

LOTTE
Hi. Have you done Malkovich yet?

MAXINE
Hi, uh.
(into phone)
Hi. I wanted to place an ad. Yes.
"Ever want to be someone else?"
No, that's the ad, but let's talk
about you in a minute. "Ever want
to be someone else? Now you can.
No kidding..."

CRAIG
(to Lotte)
Why aren't you at work?

LOTTE
I've been going over and over my
experience last night. It was amazing.
(beat)
I've decided I'm a transsexual. Isn't
that the craziest thing?

CRAIG
What, are you nuts? That's Oprah
talking.

LOTTE
Everything felt right for the first
time. I need to go back to make sure,
then if the feeling is still there.
I'm going to speak to Dr. Feldman
about sexual reassignment surgery.

CRAIG
This is absurd. Besides Feldman's an
allergist. If you're going to do
something, do it right.

CRAIG (cont'd)
(beat)
It's just the thrill of seeing through
someone else's eyes, sweetie. It'll
pass.

LOTTE
Don't stand in the way of my
actualization as a man, Craig.

MAXINE
(hanging up the phone)
Let her go, Craig. I mean “him."

CRAIG
(anything for Maxine)
Yeah, okay.
(opens the portal door)
I'll pick you up.

Lotte enters. Craig closes the door. stands there.

MAXINE
You better hurry. Traffic.

Maxine tosses Craig his car keys. He heads out the door.
Maxine dials the phone.

MAXINE (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Davey? Max. Get me John Malkovich's
home phone? That's great. Love ya
and owe ya.

CUT TO:

INT. JOHN MALKOVICH'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Malkovich's POV. He sits on the couch. drinks coffee,
and reads a copy of Awake and Sing. Bach plays on the
stereo in the background.

MALKOVICH
(reading aloud)
So you believe in God... you got
something for it? You worked for
all the capitalists. You harvested
the fruit from your labor? You got
God!

LOTTE (V.0.)
What raw, animal power!

MALKOVICH
But the past comforts you? The
present smiles on you, yes?

The phone rings. Malkovich puts down the script, and picks
up the phone.

MALKOVICH (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Yeah?

MAXINE (0.S.)
(telephone voice)
Mr. Malkovich?

MALKOVICH
Who's calling?

MAXINE (0.S.)
You don't know me, but I'm a great
admirer of yours.

MALKOVICH
How'd you get this number?

MAXINE (0.S.)
It's just that I fantasize about
you and, well, speaking to you
now has gotten me sort of excited
and...

LOTTE (0.S.)
(turned on)
Oh, I like this.

MALKOVICH
Listen, this is not amusing. Please
don't call here any...

MAXINE (0.S.) (giggling)
Ooh, such authority! NY nipples are
at attention, General Malkovich, sir.
So I'll be at Bernardo's tonight at
eight. Please, please meet me there.
I just adored you in that jewel thief
movie...

Malkovich hangs up the phone.

LOTTE (V.O.)
My God!
(attempting thought control)
Meet her there. Meet her there. Meet
her there. Meet her there. Meet her
there...

Malkovich goes back to his script.

LOTTE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Meet her there. Meet her there. Meet
her there...

Malkovich picks up a pen and writes: Bernardo's 8:00.

CUT TO:

EXT. DITCH - MORNING

Craig waits. Lotte pops into the ditch. She's wet and slimy.

CRAIG
How was it?

LOTTE
I have to go back tonight. At eight
Exactly.

CRAIG
Why?

LOTTE
Don't crowd me, Craig.

CUT TO:

INT. BERNARDO'S - NIGHT

Malkovich's POV. It's a busy Italian restaurant. Malkovich
looks around, checks his watch: 8:03. A guy walks up to him.

GUY
Excuse me, are you John Malkovich?

MALKOVICH
Yes.

GUY
Wow. You were really great in that
movie where you played that retard.

MALKOVICH
Thank you very much.

GUY
I just wanted to tell you that. And
say thank you. I have a cousin that's
a retard, so, as you can imagine, it
means a lot to me to see retards
portrayed on the silver screen so
compassionately.

The guy walks away. Malkovich scans the room. Maxine enters
the restaurant. We see her, but Malkovich doesn't single her
out of the crowd. She looks around.

LOTTE (V.O.)
Maxine!

Maxine spots Malkovich. and heads over. He focuses on her.

MAXINE
Hi. I'm so glad you decided to
come. I'm Maxine.

Maxine holds out her hand. She is charming. Malkovich takes
her hand.

MALKOVICH
I'm John. I didn't think I was going
to come, but I felt oddly compelled.
I have to admit I was a bit intrigued
by your voice.

LOTTE (V.O.)
God, she's beautiful. The way she's
looking at me. At him. At us.

MAXINE
And the funny thing is. Mr. Malkovich,
my voice is probably the least
intriguing thing about me.

LOTTE (V.O.)
I've never been looked at like this
by a woman.

MALKOVICH
Can I get you a drink?

MAXINE
Whatever you're having.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT

Craig drives. Lotte is soaking wet. She stares out the
window.

CRAIG
So how was it? What was he doing?

LOTTE
Oh, you know, not a lot. Just hanging
around his apartment. I think he must
be a lonely man.

CRAIG
You see, men can feel unfulfilled,
too. I'm glad you're realizing that.
You shouldn't be so quick to assume
that switching bodies would be the
answer to all your problems.

LOTTE
You're right. You know I was thinking
that we should have Maxine over for
dinner. Since you two are partners
and all. It might be a nice gesture.

CRAIG
I don't know. There's some tension
between us. I'd hate to expose you to
that.

LOTTE
It'll be okay. I'll fix my lasagna.
We’ll smoke a joint.
(dreamily)
Tensions will melt away.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Craig, Lotte, and Maxine are seated at the table and eating
lasagna. Lotte eyes Maxine. Craig eyes Maxine. There is an
awkward silence.

LOTTE
(to Maxine)
Did you know that Eskimos have not
one, but fifty words for snow. It's
because they have so much of it.

CRAIG
After dinner I'll show you my puppets.

MAXINE
Ah.

LOTTE
After that I'll introduce you to my
favorite monkey, Elijah. He's got an
ulcer, due to a suppressed childhood
trauma. But we're getting to the
bottom of it.
(whispers)
Psychotherapy.

There is another silence.

MAXINE
(to no one in particular)
The way I see it, the world is divide
into those go after what they want
and those who don't. The passionate
ones, the ones who go after what they
want, may not get what they want, but
they remain vital, in touch with
themselves, and when they lie on
their deathbeds, they have few
regrets. The ones who don't go
after what they want... well, who
gives a shit about them anyway?

Maxine laughs. There is another silence. Suddenly, at the
same moment, both Craig and Lotte lunge for Maxine and
start kissing her passionately about the face and neck.
They stop just as suddenly and look at each other.

CRAIG
You?

Lotte looks away.

MAXINE
Craig, I just don't find you
attractive. And, Lotte, I'm smitten
with you, but only when you're in
Malkovich. When I looked into his
eyes last night, I could feel you
peering out. Behind the stubble and
the too-prominent brow and the male
pattern baldness, I sensed your
feminine longing peering out, and
it just slew me.

CRAIG
(disgusted)
My God.

Lotte strokes Maxine's face. Craig clears dishes from the
table.

MAXINE
(to Lotte, removing her hand)
Only to John, sweetie. I'm sorry.
(gets up)
Thanks for a wonderful dinner.
(walks past kitchen. to Craig)
No hard feelings, partner.

Maxine exits. Craig and Lotte look at each other.

LOTTE
I want a divorce.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING

It is deadly silent. Craig and Maxine sit at their desks.
The wall clock ticks. Craig whistles tunelessly, every
once in a while looking up and discreetly checking out
Maxine. Eventually there is a knock at the door.

CRAIG
(a little too urgently)
Come in!

Erroll, a sad, fat young man enters meekly.

ERROLL
Hello, I'm here about the ad.

CRAIG
Please, have a seat.

Erroll sits in a chair in front of Craig's desk. He
glances nervously over at Maxine.

ERROLL
When you say, I can be somebody
else, what do you mean exactly?

CRAIG
Exactly that. We can put you inside
someone else's body for fifteen minutes.

ERROLL
Oh, this is just the medical
breakthrough I've been waiting for.
Are their any side effects? Please
say no! Please say no!

MAXINE
No.

ERROLL
Long term psychic or physiological
repercussions?

MAXINE
No. Don't be an ass.

ERROLL
Can I be anyone I want?

MAXINE
You can be John Malkovich.

ERROLL
Well that's perfect. My second
choice. Ah, this is wonderful.
Too good to be true! You see, I'm
a sad man. Sad and fat and alone. Oh,
I've tried all the diets, my friends.
Lived for a year on nothing but
imitation mayonnaise. Did it work?
You be the judge. But Malkovich!
King of New York! Man about town!
Most eligible bachelor! Bon Vivant!
The Schopenhauer of the 20th century!
Thin man extraordinaire!

MAXINE
Two hundred dollars, please.

ERROLL
Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes!

Erroll takes out his wallet.

CUT TO:

EXT. DITCH - DAY

Craig waits by his car, checks his watch. "Pop!" Erroll
plops into the ditch, wet and unkempt. He looks around,
sees Craig, charges him with a yell and gives him an
enormous bear hug.

ERROLL
Oh, thank you! Thank you!
Thousand times, thank you!

CRAIG
(gasping for air)
Tell your friends.

ERROLL
Oh, I will, and I have many,
many friends and associates, my
friend. All, by the way, in Overeaters
Anonymous. All of them fat and alone
like me, all of them dream of being
someone else, all of them with John
Malkovich as their second choice!

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - DAY

The hall outside Craig and Maxine's office sports a long
line of crouching fat people, all clutching cash in their
hands.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Craig kneels at the door and peeks out through the mail
slot. Maxine sits at her desk and files her toenails.

CRAIG
This is amazing! We're gonna be rich!

MAXINE
So unbolt the fucking door, Einstein.

Craig unlocks the door. Lester steps in, closes the door
behind him, locks it.

LESTER
You're making a big mistake, Schwartz.
(nods to Maxine)
Ma'am

CRAIG
Dr. Lester, I don't know what you're
talking about.

LESTER
There are rules, boy, procedures,
etiquette. This is not a toy. I've
been waiting seventy years to utilize
this room, grooming myself, quietly
setting the stage, performing
ablutions, paying tribute, seeing all
his motion pictures again and again.
Worshipping, Schwartz, worshipping
properly.

CRAIG
You're insane.

LESTER
I am not alone. There are others. We
are legion. You will pay for this
blasphemy. You will pay dearly.

Lester exits. Craig looks at Maxine. There is a moment
of tension. Finally:

MAXINE
Crackpot.

Craig opens the door. The first few fat people move noisily
into the room.

CUT TO:

INT. DR. LESTER'S ALTAT ROOM - NIGHT

Many cloaked people in the room kneeling with candles in
hand before the lit photo of Malkovich. Lotte kneels in the
back row. They chant:

DISCIPLES OF MALKOVICH
How much do we love you? We loved
you in "Making Mr. Right." That is
how much we love you. We even own the
director's cut on laser disc. Please
accept us into your head as we have
accepted you into our hearts. Please
let us be you. Amen.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S DINING ROOM - A BIT LATER

The worshippers mill about, chatting, drinking coffee,
nibbling on cookies.

LESTER
May I have your attention, please.
We have a new disciple among us tonight.

DISCIPLES OF MALKOVICH
Hallelujah.

LESTER
She is the wife of Schwartz.

A stunned hush falls over the group.

LOTTE
(apologetically)
I'm getting divorced.

LESTER
No you mustn't, my child.

LOTTE
But why, Son of Malkovich?

LESTER
We need you on the inside, my child.
To report on his comings and goings,
and if need be, to... destroy him...
(hands Lotte a gun)
...for lack of a better word.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Craig is putting stuff in boxes. Lotte enters in her cloak.

LOTTE
What are you doing?

CRAIG
I'm moving. Remember? What's with
the hooded cloak?

LOTTE
Nothing. Don't go, Craig. I've been
thinking. Let's try to work this out.
We've got so much history.

CRAIG
(still packing)
You should feed your animals. They're
looking peaked.

LOTTE
I'm getting rid of the fucking
animals.

CRAIG
What?

LOTTE
I'm getting rid of the animals. I've
lost interest. Besides, they're
standing between you and me.

CRAIG
No they're not.

LOTTE
You've always hated the animals.

CRAIG
You've always loved the animals.

LOTTE
I'm giving them up. I've changed.
I've found a new focus.

CRAIG
What's that?

LOTTE
(beat)
Us, of course.

Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each
other for a long while.

CRAIG
(tenderly)
Oh, Lot...

They hug.

CRAIG (CONT'D)
What about Maxine?

LOTTE
Fuck Maxine.

CRAIG
We wish.

They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the
embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT

The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working
the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare
puppet stage. Craig seems possessed.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up.

MAXINE
Yes?

LOTTE (O.S.)
I have to see you. Can you call him
and invite us over?

MAXINE
When?

LOTTE (O.S.)
Give me one hour to get inside him
Exactly.

Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT

Lotte drives.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER

The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown,
answers it. John Malkovich stands there.

MAXINE
Thanks so much for coming over.

MALKOVICH
Oh, I'm really glad you called.

Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by
her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of
breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her
watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other
on the couch.

MAXINE
So, do you enjoy being an actor?

MALKOVICH
Oh sure. It's very rewarding...

The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM.
Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard
on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to
it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to
unbutton Malkovich's shirt.

LOTTE (V.O.)
Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart.

MAXINE
I love you, Lotte.

LOTTE (V.O.)
Maxine...

MALKOVICH
(stopping)
I'm sorry, did you just call me
"Lotte"?

MAXINE
Do you mind?

MALKOVICH
(thinking)
No, I guess not. I'm an actor.

They get back to it.

MAXINE
Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte.

MALKOVICH
(thinks he's playing along)
Yes, Maxine, yes.

LOTTE (V.O.)
This is too good to be true.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom.
He sees that the bed is empty.

CUT TO:

EXT. DITCH - NIGHT

With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the
ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She
just lies there.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING

Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door
can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in
the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig
looks up at her.

CRAIG
You were him last night, weren't you?

LOTTE
(quietly)
Yes.

CRAIG
And he was with her.

LOTTE
We love her, Craig. I'm sorry.

CRAIG
We?

LOTTE
Me and John.

CRAIG
Don't forget me.

LOTTE
Well, you have the Maxine action
figure to play with.

Craig looks down at his coffee.

LOTTE (CONT'D)
I'm sorry. That was nasty.

CRAIG
Life is confusing, isn't it?

LOTTE
Sometimes we're forced to make
hard decisions.
(beat)
I'd like for us to stay together,
Craig. You know, platonically,
if that's possible. I truly value
our friendship.

CRAIG
I feel that somehow my parents never
prepared me to make this particular
decision. Not that I blame them. How
could they know? Today's world is so
complicated.
(beat)
No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry,
Lotte. I'm so sorry.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING

Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her
desk, actually looking kind of radiant.

MAXINE
You're late.

CRAIG
Are you torturing me on purpose?

MAXINE
(matter of fact)
I've fallen in love.

CRAIG
I don't think so. I've fallen in
love. This is what people who've
fallen in love look like.

MAXINE
You picked the unrequited variety.
Very bad for the skin.

CRAIG
You're evil, Maxine.

MAXINE
Do you have any idea what its like
to have two people look at you with
total lust and devotion through the
same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose
you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig.

Craig turns and walks out the door.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking
eager, all clutching cash.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING

Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes.

LESTER
(depressing switch)
Yes, my dear?

FLORIS (O.S.)
(intercom voice)
Someone names A Lot of Warts on
line two.

LESTER
Thank you, Floris.

FLORIS (O.S.)
(intercom voice)
Think, Jew florist?

LESTER
(pressing line 2)
Good morning, Lotte!

LOTTE (O.S.)
Dr. Lester, everything's falling
apart.

CUT TO:

INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING

Craig is at the counter buying a pistol.

CUT TO:

INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING

Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really
large glasses of carrot juice in front of them.

LOTTE
I blew it, Dr. Lester.

LESTER
You followed your heart, my child,
and that is not necessarily a bad
thing.

LOTTE
But now we've lost access to Craig.

LESTER
(laughs)
My child, I don't think its a great
mystery what Craig's up to.

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear
the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see
Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte
screams. Craig holds the gun to her head.

LOTTE
I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed
to cherish me forever. Now you hold
a gun to my head?

CRAIG
Yeah, well welcome to the nineties.

LOTTE
Suck my dick!

CRAIG
(slapping her)
Shut up!

Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead.
She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig
dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his
ear to the receiver also.

CRAIG (CONT'D)
Tell her you need to see her.

LOTTE
(to Craig)
You bastard.

Craig cocks the pistol.

MAXINE (V.O.)
J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else
can be.

LOTTE
(looking at Craig)
I have to see you.

MAXINE (V.O.)
Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's
business hours. I need to keep the
membranous tunnel open for paying
customers.

CRAIG
(sotto)
Tell her, what the hell, close
early today, live dangerously.

LOTTE
What the hell, darling. Close early
today, live dangerously.

MAXINE (V.O.)
Oooh, doll. I love this new
devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty,
I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll
see both of you in one hour.
Exactamundo.

Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs
it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed,
and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter.

LOTTE
(screaming)
Help! He's locking me in a cage!

Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly.

NEIGHBOR
Shut up!

PARROT
Shut up!

CRAIG
Lesson number one: Be careful what
you teach your parrot.

Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah
watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and
holds his stomach.

CUT TO:

INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY

Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine
watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch,
then points to it so Malkovich can see.

MALKOVICH
Tommy, can I take fifteen?

CUT TO:

INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table,
against the mirror.

MAXINE
Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie...

We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV.

MALKOVICH
Maxine...

CRAIG (V.O.)
I can't believe it. This is too
good to be true.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY

Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his
hair. Maxine enters.

CRAIG
You're glowing again.

MAXINE
A girl has a right to glow if
she wants. It's in the fucking
constitution.

Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two
plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and
unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the
cage, gun in hand.

CRAIG
It was lovely being you being
Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen
the passionate side of sweet Maxine
before, or her actual tits for that
matter. If only, I've been thinking
to myself, if only I could actually
feel what Malkovich feels, rather
than just see what he sees... And
then, dare I say it, if only I could
control his arms, his legs, his
pelvis, and make them do my bidding.

LOTTE
It'll never happen, fuckface.

CRAIG
Ah, but you're forgetting one thing,
Lambchop.

LOTTE
What's that?

CRAIG
I'm a puppeteer.

Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he
holds the receiver up to Lotte's face.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch.

MAXINE
Lotte, this is so good...

CRAIG (V.O.)
(tense, commanding)
Move right hand across her left breast
now. Move right hand across her left
breast now. Move right hand across her
left breast now.

Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's
breast.

CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Holy shit, yes!

MALKOVICH
Holy shit, yes!

CRAIG (V.O.)
Holy shit! He said what I said!

MALKOVICH
Holy shit! He said what I said!

MAXINE
Lotte? Is that you?

CRAIG (V.O.)
Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes!

MALKOVICH
Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes!
(scared)
What the fuck is going on? I'm not
talking. This is not me!

MAXINE
Oh, Lotte...

Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a
sucking sound.

CUT TO:

EXT. DITCH - NIGHT

There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes.

MALKOVICH
Something was making me talk. Some
Goddamn thing was making me move. I
gotta get out of here.

MAXINE
Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion
for me taking hold.

MALKOVICH
No, Dollface, I know what my passion
taking hold feels like. I gotta go.

He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs
contentedly.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound
and gagged.

CRAIG
I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm
across your girlfriend's glorious tit.
I made him talk. And, oh, there was
the beginning of sensation in the
fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a
matter of practice before Malkovich
becomes nothing more than another
puppet hanging next to my worktable.
Coffee?

CUT TO:

INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand.
Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's
Cube.

MALKOVICH
It's like nothing I've ever felt
before. I think I'm going crazy.

KEVIN BACON
I'm sure you're not going crazy.

MALKOVICH
Kevin, I'm telling you... it was
like nothing I've...

KEVIN BACON
Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda.
Were you stoned?

MALKOVICH
Yes, but you see, someone else was
talking through my mouth.

KEVIN BACON
You were stoned. Case closed. End
of story. How hot is this babe?

MALKOVICH
I think it might've been this Lotte
woman talking through me. Maxine
likes to call me Lotte.

KEVIN BACON
Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you
to channel some dead lesbian lover.
Let me know when you're done with her.
This is my type of chick.

MALKOVICH
I'm done with her now. Tonight really
creeped me out.

KEVIN BACON
You're crazy to let go of a chick who
calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a
friend.

MALKOVICH
I don't know anything about her. What
if she's some sort of witch or
something?

KEVIN BACON
All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian
Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy.
Ha ha ha.

MALKOVICH
I gotta know the truth, Kevin.

KEVIN BACON
The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against
the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building
and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe
distance.

CUT TO:

INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING

The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and
a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is
Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor.
He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat
people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door.
Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He
turns to the first fat man and line.

MALKOVICH
Excuse me, what type of service does
this company provide?

FAT MAN
You get to be John Malkovich for
fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams.

MALKOVICH
(quietly flipped)
I see.

FAT MAN
No cutting, by the way.

Malkovich pounds on the door.

FAT MAN (CONT'D)
No cutting!

Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating
him. Craig steps out of the office.

CRAIG
Hey! Break it up! Break it up!
Everybody gets a chance to be...

The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap
have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him.

FAT MAN
It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr.
Malkovich! I hope me and my
associates from Overeaters Anonymous
didn't hurt you too terribly.

MALKOVICH
(to Craig)
Inside.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but
controlling it.

MAXINE
Darling!

MALKOVICH
What the fuck is going on?

CRAIG
Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig
Schwartz. I can explain. We operate
a little business her that...
simulates, for our clientele, the
experience of... being you, actually.

MALKOVICH
Simulates?

CRAIG
Sure, after a fashion.

MALKOVICH
Let me try.

CRAIG
You? Why I'm sure it would pale in
comparison to the actual experience.

MALKOVICH
Let me try!

MAXINE
Let him try.

CRAIG
Of course, right this way, Mr.
Malkovich. Compliments of the house.

Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it.

MALKOVICH
(repulsed by the slime)
Jesus.

Malkovich climbs in. The door closes.

CRAIG
What happens when a man climbs
through his own portal?

MAXINE
(shrugs)
How the hell would I know? I wasn't
a philosophy major.

CUT TO:

INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY

Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly
there is a slurping sound.

CUT TO:

PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE

We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments.
It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored
lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet
clown paintings.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's
wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is
also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the
restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes.
Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the
table looks at him seductively, winks and talks.

GIRL MALKOVICH
Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich
Malkovich...

Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches,
pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders.

WAITER MALKOVICH
Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich?

GIRL MALKOVICH
Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich
Malkovich.

WAITER MALKOVICH
Malkovich Malkovich.
(Turning to Malkovich)
Malkovich?

Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich."
He screams:

MALKOVICH
Malkovich!

The waiter jots it down on his pad.

WAITER MALKOVICH
Malkovich.

Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for
the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich
is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a
'40's style big band of Malkoviches.

SINGING MALKOVICH
Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich
Malkovich...

Malkovich flies through the back door.

CUT TO:

EXT. DITCH - DAY

Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting
there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World
in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is
huddled and shivering and soaking wet.

CRAIG
So how was it?

MALKOVICH
That... was... no... simulation.

CRAIG
I know. I'm sorry...

MALKOVICH
I have been to the dark side. I have
seen a world that no man should ever
see.

CRAIG
Really? For most people it's a rather
pleasant experience. What exactly did
you...

MALKOVICH
This portal is mine and must be sealed
up forever. For the love of God.

CRAIG
With all respect, sir, I discovered
that portal. Its my livelihood.

MALKOVICH
It's my head, Schwartz, and I'l